does anyone ever feel like you're not really existing? that's how i feel
like i'm always remember what happened. not actually living it

sometimes things in life just take accepting.. there's no better or other way around it, you just have to deal with it

whether it's the fact that the ps3 is going to kick the 360 in the face 9 times, or the fact that you can't help the demise or rebirth of relationships

some things in life just are, and there is no better way to say it

my office glows all night long
its a nuclear show and the stars are gone
elevator, elevator, take me home

i feel somewhat removed from time lately.. not in that imortal kind of way.

almost like an "i quit" kind of way.  i've been unbearably sad lately, and i'm not sure why. almost like someone has died, and i'm just kind of stuck in this montage of being where life happens around me in a rather rapid fashion, but i'm stuck in one place. not proverbially. literally. like my feet are tied to the floor. 

do you ever feel like you're fighting a battle you just can't win? a battle that was never yours. a battle you lost long ago. i have. and maybe that is who died

i wonder exactly what it is that apathy is supposed to teach you? especially if it's about something completely minor like school

i hate how this world puts so much bearing on silly things.. like ratings or grades

i guess i love learning, but i don't feel like i'm doing any of that this semester.  lately i've been less and less concerned with things that most would consider important.  not that i'm completely shelled off from the world, but i definately see a huge priority shift.

who knows... i sure don't

mood: contemplative music: listening to what is previously mentioned

everyone always talks about life being a roller coaster with ups and downs and everything. which is a perfectly valid statement. however there are more elements to a roller coaster than height of hill.  not to beat an analogy to death, but i would submit to you that another element of a roller coaster is speed. and in life, i would also submit that speed, not altitude is the most important thing.  how many times have you significantly grown in your spiritual walk during a high time in life? for me, none really. those are more a result of my recent growth, however as i climb momentum gradually becomes extinct.  in fact, in light of recent thought about the matter, i almost want the high simply so i can fall again and gain more momentum. because like it or not, no high lasts forever, and the lows will come.  so i suggest that we long for lows, because that is where God truely shines.  there was a philosopher, i don't remember his name, something german.. anyways, he talked about how the "ubermensch"(sp??, seriously it's german) were the people that wanted life, over and over and over.  that those were the super humans, the people who were the best. not a bad philosophy.  not saying i don't want heaven, but i know heaven will come, like highs, and like lows. it is assured. but all i know is today.

come what may, highs or lows, i'm ready. realizing:

james 1:2-4
"when all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don't resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends! Realize that they come to test your faith and to produce in you the quality of endurance. But let the process go on until that endurace is fully developed, and you will find you have become men of mature character, men of integrity with no weak spots." (phillips)

but what is faith? is it just belief? no. "faith that doesn't show itself by good deeds is no faith at all - it is dead and useless" James 2:15-17 (NLT)

faith is really like believing that a chair can support you, and sitting down to prove it.

all of that sounded better in my head when i was thinking of it like 3+ hours ago.

but seriously, low=good and faith=action

thank you

mood: curious music: birds of america.. it's a book

"..that he had been badly, sickeningly frightened all the time.  in this way he lost everything."

-ernest hemingway "the soldiers home"

fear is a rather crippling thing.  the tricky thing about fear is it doesn't always manifest itself in that panicy irrational manor.  it's not always the hebejebees.  it's not always a spider on the wall, or death looming around the corner.  sometimes fear is just when you no longer feel like moving, and that's what scares me the most

mood: content music: belle and sebastian - judy and the dream of horses

the human mind is a crazy thing

multiple personalities is one example. although extremely rare, one personality can actually not need glasses if the others do. can speak a different language (if exposed to it) and can even reverse gender roles

how weird is all of that?

mood: cheerful music: the hills, the tv series

oh my gosh